Anna-Lena is the face behind the Instagram account geliebtes.Sternenkind. For the first time she shares her personal story with us and with her followers. She lets us into a deeply painful chapter of her life, and we are grateful for the courage that took. On her account, nearly 6,000 parents exchange thoughts daily about their star children. A community like this is necessary: it gives parents a safe place to connect with others who have also known loss. You feel that you are not alone. You feel understood.
Anna-Lena's Story
August 2013. Nine years ago she held a positive test in her hands. She was just nineteen years old. Newly in love, not long together, and eight weeks away from beginning her training at a hospital. A few days later, on a Wednesday, she went to her doctor. He performed an ultrasound and saw immediately that she was carrying identical twins. Mono-mono twins. Not ideal circumstances, he said. "This type of pregnancy often ends in stillbirth. Consider termination. You are still young." She sat in that small room for a long while afterwards, unable to stop crying, unable to drive herself home. An unplanned pregnancy, twins, and a high-risk pregnancy. Too much at once.
A High-Risk Pregnancy
At home they searched, researched, and talked. We can do this. The early weeks went reasonably well. She trusted that everything would be all right. Because of the risk, they attended an ultrasound every two weeks, and with each appointment the joy grew alongside her trust in her own body. At fourteen weeks she suddenly experienced a heavy bleed. She was certain it was over. They rushed to the doctor and were seen immediately. Two little heartbeats were visible. The heavy bleeding had come from a large haematoma that no one had noticed before. An ambulance was called and she was taken to hospital. Further examinations followed, and the doctors discovered that an amniotic fluid test had also come back positive. The bleed had caused a tear in the amniotic sac. She was placed on strict bed rest and given antibiotics. Mercifully, the babies were doing well. After seven days the test returned negative. The tear had sealed on its own and she was allowed to go home, on the condition that she continue resting.
Back Home
The days passed slowly at home. She searched more and more often for experiences with mono-mono twins and grew increasingly anxious. The babies' umbilical cords were one great tangle. At any moment one baby could turn or move too many times, causing a formed cord knot to tighten, and both could die. So many times they went to hospital or to her doctor because she had felt no movement and feared the worst. At some point, during a detailed scan, they learnt they were expecting two girls, and that one of them had a heart defect. They were referred to the university hospital in Bonn, where the specialists knew this condition better. Regular appointments followed, and all agreed the baby would need surgery immediately after birth, but that everything was treatable. From thirty-three weeks she was admitted as an inpatient and unexpectedly began having contractions. Strict bed rest resumed, with medication to slow labour so the girls could gain a little more time and weight. On the 26th of February, the planned caesarean section took place. Five weeks early, but the medication could not be increased further. They were so excited, so full of anticipation.
The Birth of the Twins
The caesarean began. Because no one knew which of the two babies had the heart defect, both were taken away immediately. No one could tell her how they were. She was helped and moved to the recovery room. The cardiologist came and said things were a little more complicated than anticipated, but that it would be all right and they would manage. In a small cot, connected to countless wires, they brought Klara briefly to her bedside before she had to return for more tests. Time passed, and she lay in the recovery room until she was moved to the delivery suite as a surprise. Two and a half hours later she was brought to the children's intensive care unit, where Lina, freshly washed and dressed, lay in her cot. The baby was placed on her chest and they were able to hold each other and begin to know one another. Time continued to pass. No one could say how Klara was. Then a midwife came in, in tears, and said the doctors had called. Klara was deteriorating rapidly and they would bring her to the cardiology unit at once. The heart defect was far more severe than anyone had known, and it was not treatable. To this day she asks herself why no doctor had seen it. They had attended so many ultrasounds with so many doctors, and no one is willing to say they saw how advanced the defect was. Klara died, after just eleven hours in this world, in her mother's arms.
The Time That Followed
The time that followed was unbearable. She fell into depression and harmed herself, and she is certain that had she not needed to be there for Lina, her own life would have ended there too. Their relationship broke apart before Klara's first birthday and first anniversary of her death. They grieved in ways too different to hold together. A few months later she began therapy and entered a new relationship. She completed her training, they married, bought a house, and had two further children. And although that first time was so incredibly dark and without hope, she is glad she never gave up. Despite everything that happened, life is beautiful and she is glad to be here.
Dear Anna-Lena, a very warm embrace for you. Thank you.